All That Im Living For
by Lycans-DollHouse
Summary: Loosely based on Edwards departure, OC characters


**Authoresses note: Yeah this has been up before but i deleted it, not Twilight characters but based on how much Bella hrut when Edward left, R &R as normal, cheers**

"Lollie."

The name seemed to echo through my mind, ricocheting off my frantic thoughts, the name only he called me. I felt the burn of his gaze trickle down my spine, making me gasp from the intense feeling. My head started to spin as he got nearer and I knew it would be too much, too hard to talk right now. Seemingly sensing my growing panic Hannah glanced up at me. The whirl storm of emotions flashing through my eyes gave away what I was feeling.

A quick glance of our surroundings gave her the information she needed to understand my sudden breathlessness. Understanding and determination settled across her face as she took hold of my elbow and propelled me through the crowd. My heartbeat thundered in my ears and blood rushed through my head, like waves crashing against the shore.

From the corner of my eye I dazedly watched Hannah turn her head, shaking it from side to side, silver hoops swinging like a carousel. Giving him a warning glance she mentally urged him to back off, to leave me be for the time being. I knew that if I turned round in that instant I would see confusion, hurt and maybe even worry in those beautiful eyes. The very eyes that mentally were begging me to turn around and look, pleading with my heart to give in. They had almost won but as I started to turn I knew I would be lost, so gritting my teeth I dipped my head downwards; letting the curtain of red hair I had released from behind my ear, fall forward to cover my face. Squeezing Hannah's hand gratefully I let myself be led through the throng of people to the doors leading outside.

Pushing the door open I gulped the fresh air feeling its icy sting in my lungs, the wind brushed against my face and threw my hair back. Hannah's arm slipped through mine reassuringly and we made our way further outside. My name still bounced around the walls of my mind almost as if trying to escape and return to him, to the owner of the voice that had released the word into existence. We rounded the corner and continued to find a spare doorstep. Sinking down the wall I rested my head against the brick behind me, letting my eyes slip closed I gave in to the emotions, letting them completely pull me under.

Gasping for breath I fought my way to the surface, blinking in the bright sunlight up at Hannah. She watched me as I fought to gain control of myself once more. Her mouth was set in a firm line, lips bitten to a deep red as she worried it between her teeth.

"It's killing you."

I felt my lips part in shock at the sudden statement and the bluntness with which she said it. Shaking my head I tried my damnedest to deny it.

"Its not, I can handle it I just need a little time to grow used to it. I-..I just need to be more careful." I trailed off quietly knowing I was trying to convince myself more than I was her.

"I can see straight through this façade of yours at the minute. Everybody else sees the perfectly composed mask you have, they don't see it slip when their back is turned and see it hauled back in place when they look back at you. They believe your denials that you're fine and that nothing is going on, when inside you've broken into a thousand shards that no amount of glue is ever going to fix. The one person that can fix you is the one person that caused you to break in the first place. Can you honestly withstand the next year and a half like this? I know it was bad before but this is so much worse for you. Everyday I watch you, everyday I watch you grow paler, your voice fainter and your eyes grow deader. I'm afraid that one day when you turn around and look at me that it won't be you anymore, it'll be someone else behind the wheel driving."

I stared in shock at her admission; I knew deep down that what she spoke was the truth. It was just a little harder to convince myself to care enough to do something to ease her worrying. I was scared too; I could feel myself slipping away just a little bit more day by day. It was becoming just that small bit harder to open my eyes in the morning and force myself from bed. It was harder to lie so flawlessly to everybody and took so much of my strength to keep my perfect mask to the outside world.

I was becoming cold and distant, even to my friends; I knew it and I think they knew it as well. Conversation with me no longer flowed and at times seemed forced when I did not encourage it with the replies they so desired from me. To my family it seemed I was no longer there, they found it hard to be around me when I was unwilling to play the happy routine all day long. I slipped in and out of their day-to-day lives like a shadow, never speaking other than what was necessary and never allowing any input into my thoughts.

My thoughts, it felt like they were no longer my own. They seemed to belong to me as much as the fake smile I pasted on my face, the smile that never quite reached my eyes. Whenever I managed to calm my thoughts enough they only seemed mechanical, linked to my actions, as they were it seemed to fit. I no longer lived every day like any normal girl should, I survived it. And yet even at the end of the day, when my head hit the pillow alone in my room, I wasn't glad the day was at an end because I knew I would now have to lay in my bed for hours, and then fight my way through the nightmares I had when sleep finally claimed me. Only to be woken scant hours after falling asleep to act out another day. Whenever my thoughts even vaguely resembled what I was feeling they would scare me and fill me with a hopeless feeling that left me weak and scared. I could see no solution to whatever problems I had and that made me feel worse. My only hope was that maybe someday my mind would manage to slip away and somebody else could take my place, lead my life like it should be, and even that was little comfort.

The only place I found some small measure of peace was in the arms of somebody who was part of the blinding pain that had crushed me, reducing me to a shell of who I once was. The pain it caused me to hide and recuperate in his arms was worse than the pain that sent me to him in the first place. It was the pain of something that could never be, yet having the temptation dangled teasingly in front of me every day. With him there every day it hurt to think that maybe it could, only to have that shred of hope ripped away when the truth would once again find me in the recesses of my mind.

That was the reason I was hiding from him now, because I couldn't bear to tease myself like this any longer. I thought it would be easier if he didn't shelter me from everything for short moments, because as soon as he was gone reality found me and the pain returned, having doubled in intensity. I thought if I didn't mention anything to him it would be better for him, a clean break that would be easier to heal from. I knew it would hurt him to avoid him like this without giving any reason, he probably thought he had done something to upset me. No he hadn't done anything that he could help and I didn't blame him for my current state, I blamed myself for falling for him when nothing could happen, and blamed myself for not being the person my family and friends wanted me to be.

I blamed myself for allowing the cracks to appear in my pretence of normal life, I should have held it together more adequately, been stronger, smarter, anything that would have prevented me from being here now.

I looked back up at Hannah staring intently down at me.

"Your right, I'm sorry. Tell him I love him and I'm sorry for any unnecessary anguish I may have caused to him; it wasn't his fault he couldn't have done anything to prevent it. Tell my family I'm sorry too, it's too hard to do what they want everyday when I'm not all there inside. Hannah if it wasn't for you I would have fallen apart a lot sooner, I kept hanging on to be here with you both, but I'm not strong enough to do it anymore. I really am sorry, I love you all."

Taking one last look at Hannah's fear stricken face I smiled, and closed my eyes.

I felt myself slip away from my body as my eyes drifted closed, I could feel the sun on my skin and the icy bite of the cold air. The wind tossed my hair about my shoulders, giving the illusion of flames dancing about my head, and then I was gone. When I opened my eyes again I was stood near what was once my body. I watched Hannah as what I had done dawned on her. She darted forward and shook me roughly by the arms. I could tell she knew what I had done, how I had so cowardly given up.

She screamed desperately, pleading for me to come back.

"NO! No I won't let you, Louise come back now! Don't you dare! No stop it, come back please, please now oh god what have you done? Please oh god no."

Tears streamed down her beautiful face as she pulled me tight against her, rocking my still breathing body against her she cried. The jagged cries that ripped from her throat echoed around the field, she sobbed her words too distorted to understand.

I stood by her and watched, I regretted leaving her and wished I could ease the pain she felt. I didn't want to leave and wished everything in the past few months would never have happened. Students had obviously alerted teachers and I watched as they ran toward Hannah and my body. The first teacher stopped and stared. Eyes wide and mouth agape she asked,

"What's happened? What's wrong?"

"She's gone, gone." Was all my dear friend could choke out.

The startled teacher ran forward to check the pulse.

"She's alive and breathing, what do you mean?"

"Too much, it was too-.. oh god she's gone."

Her cries started afresh and she rocked my empty body harder. Somebody must have found my friends because as I looked up they stood in a crowd, watching. It seemed they understood the gravity of the situation and they too cried. It was then that he burst through the crowd. He came to a dead stop only feet from the sobbing Hannah. His face was pale as he took in the sight before him, moving forward he knelt down next to us. Brushing my hair away from my face he said to Hannah quietly.

"What happened?"

Knowing he was unable to hear me, I still replied a small part hoping he would on some level understand. "I wasn't strong enough, the mask to hide the mess behind wasn't strong enough. I wish I hadn't of had to leave you all, but I think it'll be easier this way: for all of us." The quiet words fell from my lips, brimming with restrained emotion.

Shaking her head, fresh tears fell, "Gone, gone." She moaned.

He rested a hand on her back and pulled both her and my body into an embrace, circling his arms around us both he whispered into my hair.

"I'm so sorry."

Crouching down beside him I brushed my knuckles along his jaw and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. "Take care of her, don't let her fall apart like I did, she has so much ahead of her to enjoy. I hope in time you'll both forgive me and carry on like Im right beside you, cause that's where I'll be, I won't leave you both for long. Ill wait for the two of you, and one day when your both old and grey I'll be there to meet you when you close those beautiful blue eyes for the last time."

Threading my hand in his hair I kissed his forehead. Turning to Hannah I stroked her hair and gently blew her earrings, causing them to swing.

"I wont leave you." I tried to assure her, hoping shed understand. Leaning back I smiled at their oblivious faces. "Live, for me." I told them.

The teachers had contacted my family and an ambulance had been called. Students were ushered into class away from the grieving pair on the field. My body would have to be moved into the ambulance at the front of the school. A stretcher appeared for me to be moved on but Hannah only grasped my body tighter and shook her head. Moving his head down to Hannah he said,

"Let me take her."

She sobbed harder but unwillingly released my body to him trustingly. Standing he lifted my body easily into his arms and started to walk. Hannah held my warm hand and moved my head to rest on his chest so I appeared more comfortable.

He walked carefully, holding me close and trying not to jostle the breathing body in his arms. Reaching the ambulance he gently lay me down. However neither he nor Hannah left my side all the way to the hospital, each holding one of my hands tightly. He didn't say a single word, leaving Hannah to explain to people. Even in my room as my breathing started to fail and they had to hook me up to a life support machine to aid me, he didn't utter a single word. Hannah passed on my final messages and still he didn't speak.

The decision was made to turn off the machine, as I was obviously no longer there anymore. He was silent as the doctor pressed the button, only gripping my hand tighter. Hannah's cried once more started afresh as did those of my family in the room. Once the machine ceased to bleep and started to drone, signalling I was truly gone did he move. Leaning forward he buried his face in my hair, his fingers resting on the glittering pendant that rested at the hollow of my throat. Gently kissing my forehead he moved and pressed his mouth to my ear.

I smiled as I saw who had come to meet me, moving toward them I took one last look at the room and its occupants. I smiled as I heard the words meant only for me.

"Goodbye Lollie."


End file.
